Notes from "The Curse of the Good Girl"

I love using the library, and normally the notes I want to take can be copied easily into my journal. But every now and then I find a book that I want to reference again and again. While reading this book I was struck by how much, as a 38 year-old woman, I needed to hear some of these things.

So, I bought a copy and moved all my notes over. Now, a few months ago I had a daydream of doing more than just this blog to share this message but as time has slipped away and I've done nothing with that dream I've decided to at least do this post. Maybe in the future when I reread this book I will do a podcast or a read aloud or Ted Talk but until I figure that out I wanted to share at least this much.

I like the idea that the skills in this book need to be taught and practiced just like anything else...

The message that in the Good Girl culture we avoid conflict because it can damage the relationship is pretty important to understand, but men don't necessarily act like this. You can tell someone that something that is important to you without it damaging the relationship (or at least it shouldn't, it will take a while for even the woman you talk to learns to accept that a criticism of an action is not a put down of the person, necessarily.)

I want to teach this more specifically to students, thinking about how to make this into a learning opportunity.

I see this, and value the difference - girls need to learn to be more assertive.

This is a great explanation of what the Curse of the Good Girl is:

Learning from our mistakes and confronting a culture of perfectionism is important for all children.

 I see where this is an important thing as an adult to keep in mind, because working with a lot of women (teaching in elementary is still hugely disproportionately female). Sometimes we are unable to move an agenda forward because of all the bickering and back and forth and drudging up the past.

Know thy self. Still good advice even 2500 years later, and it's important for parents and teachers to be pushing students to be demonstrating mastery or understanding from a place of personal ownership and responsibility... if you figure out how to do that, please help me!

I'm not saying I loved reading that passage, but I did.

Even in second grade I already see this behavior, the I'll just do it all myself and saying that everyone on the team did a good job! I appreciated how the author was able to point out how this impacts us in the work environment later. It does not help us, it hurts us in fact, not only do we not get recognized for all the things we do and the slack we pick up; but the idea that we are trying to make our coworkers and peers all "friends" so we don't hold them accountable! This is some pretty heavy thoughts.

Playing it safe. Not speaking up in class. The delivery of an idea verses the value of the idea itself.  Not being able to own our strengths (feeling that it would be vain, a serious violation of the Good Girl code).

I love this idea of using the zones of comfort to help students take risks. After identifying areas for them to work in, setting those small steps might be the only way to accomplish those goals.

Good advice to mothers...

Finished reference book with highlights and tabs!!

It's not been a Month, and I've been busy!

So, the desire for posting is seated in the knowledge that to be successful in reaching your goals you have to be held accountable. The murky internet realm and anonymity it affords is about where my comfort level is, I've shared some things with actual people in my life but in those few cases I haven't gotten any feedback. And that's difficult. But I want to post here more often because that will get me in the practice of writing more often, etc.

I have been busy with some things since last I posted, and I have a few things I would like to share. I needed to remind myself recently that having a few projects on the back burner was a way to make sure I had material to be publishing every few days. But it makes it hard to figure out where to start, or what to do first.

As you may recall I read this book a while ago and it had some inspiring ideas in it...

This graph was something I wanted to try to start using in my weekly planning sessions:

So I made my own chart and used sticky notes to start putting up the things I was frustrated with, either things I have been working on FOREVER (We went to Paris Oct. 2018 and I'm still working on the scrapbook) or things I HAVE to do for work (Schoology is a website that has some District training modules that I need to complete).

I was doing so well...

And I did have things ready to post on... the 15th! Okay I guess I only procrastinated two more days after putting things off for -tsk, tsk- six days. Still if the purpose is to collect data, be honest, and put something out there than I'm still doing better than Dec. or two years ago.

So again, try to get into a comeback not setback mind frame.

I did get pretty low about the teaching videos and then in that leadership book I was reading it talked about the need to be acknowledged, and I think I don't want attention, and I don't want to brag, but that it is still something I crave. I don't need the ceremony or the awards but the friend who says, I saw what you did there and good going.

But, on the one hand there was this huge time suck going on with the videos so I did need to change directions. I flopped around and floundered for a bit, and of course the more I stay calm and reflect through the process the more clear things become. 

So, things I have finished and do feel good about: I finished my 24th journal...

And started the 25th...

I had to make some notes so I could talk to students about how important it was to not fight their parents on getting on the computer to do their work. I'm sorry parents.

That's it, I'm sorry parents. School should be the place students are learning, not the kitchen table while you try to conduct business in the living room. You already have so much change and adapting you have to do, the added curve ball of now being the teacher isn't right. I wish I could do more, I wish you could drop off the kids like normal and know they are safe.

 

But maybe a small part of me is frustrated that you are being talked back to, at school kids don't have a choice, they have to do their work. As a teacher I try to give choices about how that gets done so we don't have power struggles, but that seems to not be a skill parents have right now - so kids are pushing back and getting away with doing less than is expected of them...

Anyway, I lectured my 1st and 2nd graders about it, and according to the computer data I have, there was a bump in activity online. And of course I want to be encouraging the kids and give them examples of how I struggle and then overcome my struggles, but I can't think about next school year without drawing a complete blank, and that's tough.

(Did you see the documentary on Netflix about hallucinogens? Ben Stiller, Sarah Silvermen, Sting, and a bunch of other people share their experiences? Don't worry that note was not in my journal when I was lecturing students.)

But with all the sense of disappointment over the video projects and not knowing what next school year was going to be like (and actually gaining 8 pounds since April 1) I needed to focus on something I could control. A big project or two important ones. And I've got piles of things to work on, and as you know I've been making progress on them.

One project is going through all the materials I have collected over the past six years of teaching on collaborative activities and team-building and trying to plot the first six weeks of school where I would use that stuff, teach those procedures and routines...

But that was not very... interesting...

So I floated from one little project to another, not really finishing anything.

So I did finish putting a protective fence over the garden but not clearing out the unwanted plants along the fence and putting in another garden bed so we can plant the corn...

And then I got the book I ordered and I have this big project in mind for this, but I need to make a plan so I know how to tackle this note-taking, possible read-aloud, alternative book club thing...

And I don't know how long I have been reading this book, I can't hardly focus to read right now with the stay-at-home being lifted to a safer-at-home and all the people not wearing masks and not maintaining social distance! I think a part of my brain is on a high alert and it is making it hard to focus... but this has been the right book to be reading right now. Try to be present, try to pause before reacting, think about the things that align with your values...

And this is the matrix I needed to come along right now. I've been using a different one that has the important and urgent quadrants but I feel like these are better because there are things that are not important to me but are to my boss or coworkers (or wife) and I feel like this matrix made the placement of things a bit more clear. So next time I will share the projects I have going on in this format!

Feeling a bit down... or disappointed? Discouraged???

I've been taking this whole thing very serious. Trying to just put something out there, to feel creative - no. To BE Creative.

So I made some videos for this writing assignment we asked the kids to do at home...

Lesson: Note Taking

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOjnKnOVmlg

Lesson: Labeling

Lesson: Background Knowledge (Incomplete) I was starting this one but I'm not sure if I'm going to continue working on these...

Pretty awesome, right! (they don't have to be perfect, I'm learning and doing.)

So, why am I feeling down? Well to be honest, while I was making these lessons I also shot some just for fun "Office Hour Videos"...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06SGnzWKh_I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt7uzPMU74g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6J2tpgv0P0w

And I've gotten a lot of positive comments, people think they are funny and they have told me they enjoy them... I posted the last Office Hours video and My Note Taking Lesson at the same time... And not a single comment about my teaching video. I don't need praise or positive comments, and I honestly don't think I could handle harsh comments, but to hear nothing?

I was not expecting that. And I even emailed my team and supervisor at school and not a single response. 

So, I got drunk last night and after the hangover late breakfast and some yard work, I got back to work and finished the labeling lesson but now I feel a limbo of what to do next...

I honestly am trying...

To make one video teaching students how to take notes for a piece of informational writing...

But it has been four days and I have three or four things going right now, and nothing is finished.

A week ago I started on this massive project because my team at school wanted the kids to do some writing and these were the only instructions we sent for that:

So, on Monday I was going to make a video... but I was struggling to pick which bird I was going to do. I had tried to teach my first lesson on finding a "good fit book", something you can read independently, not too hard and not too easy. And I've been starting a few different ones, including one Sunday night on pigeons, because of how they can carry messages and never get lost!

But, I went on this walk around the park and got to thinking about a bingo board the kids could use in their neighborhood. I followed that on a tangent and before you know it I hadn't finished either, but I think Monday night was when I ended up deciding to do Turkeys.

Weirdly, this book on leadership I'm reading talked about doing things for yourself first, before doing things for others and it struck a cord in my that had me working eight hours like it was nothing. And I did finish a couple of things but not the video!

I still have a ton more to do, including uploading the teaching video I did finish on Wednesday, but I need to upload this too so I have a clean slate tomorrow to get a jump on making the next teaching video, and the next, so that I can finish this huge poster behind me!

By the way, I "love" that Blogger looks "totally different" again!

Taking some notes, reading some books

I've talked about following your curiosity and using that to help journal about things. I'm not sure where the list for awesome women musicians came from but I know I have a few books on my To-Read list and I recently read this one by Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth, Girl in a Band.

I had never heard any of their music before but I did love this book, and there were a few things I thought were interesting and I decided to make notes about...

I found an interesting connection to an earlier book I read this year. Kim talks about how then California Governor Ronald Reagan shut down mental institutions directly impacting her family and their ability to find a safe facility for her older brother.

Which connected to something I read in 33 Revolutions...

More information about how Reagan may have been a beloved president on the surface but was insensitive to the people and detrimental to the office... things I've been learning about recently.

Plus making this video was a few steps easier than some in the past two months which was nice, finished it the same day I started it... the sound sucks but the music is from the band...

Today I shared with the students...

So I made this PowerPoint today to share with the students...

My student had made a volcano and made a video to share with me, that was inserted in the slide above:

I shared the video I already posted on this blog a few days ago...

And I showed them some of the things I wrote this week trying to make my video...

Again, the video of reading aloud the instructions I inserted here, that wasn't good enough...

I had a few drafts of what I wanted to say here, but I ended up skimming over this anyway...

We watched as a class the Class Dojo videos on Perseverance and it talked about the dip so I used that to talk about how we sometimes get stuck when we try to create something...

But I wanted to encourage my students to do some writing, out of 24 kids only four turned in writing this week.

So I tried to inspire them to keep trying to get back to work and do some writing...

But now I got to get it together and make that video I've said I was working on all week...